2. Before using this site and any information that it contains, see the Terms and Conditions of use. While common in childhood, it often affects adult sibling relationships as well. What Dreams About Your Mom Mean, Because She Tends To Pop Up A Lot I told her he is 35 years old, he can handle it himself, thank you. Controlling mothers do have other options, like sitting down with their partner to have a frank discussion about the unhealthy dynamic in their primary relationship, backing off from being so controlling and supporting the father in stepping up. Great question Justin! Understanding how to move forward and express your needs in your relationship can be two ways to address this occurrence, and couples therapy may also be beneficial. Lydia, Id recommend that you read The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi, but Im sure that youre far too entrenched in your false feminist narratives to accept a single word of it. She would berate him saying You stupid creature; why cant you just tell me what youre thinking!, not realizing the irony behind her nagging criticism. If i ever had a son, i would think 10 or 20 or 30 years into his future and how he would feel then, so he wouldnt blame me for raising him that way and hopefully raise him in such a way that he would be proud and grateful of me for life. My younger brother uses my moms car for work, and when I went to use it the other day it only had a quarter tank of gas, so I filled it but he refused to pay me the money. It made for a miserable until I left at 18. He gets everything while im in the shadows. But yes, trying to do things apart from the one who created us and knows how we function best wont work. He always seemed like a coward. However since this all happens unconsciously, they will rarely admit their frightening vulnerability. Learn from your past mistakes and break the cycle of passivity. 111.1K Likes, 227 Comments. I was always the rebellious one. We all have jobs. Try to pay attention to how your body feels while you're being yelled at, with mindfulness. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. You can become a one-off guest blogger, or contribute a series of articles over time. But they wont do it, they will only ever come home with soda or fast food. He has been conditioned to be this way from his over-bearing mother for 35 years now and I dont think he knows how to change. Yes, I have anxiety and I resent being so domineering all of the time. Like it or not, it worked, because even the weak and passive men by their nature, felt obligated, by social pressure, to be strong and in charge. To top that off she gives them her master suite, and she moves into a guest bedroom and is now sharing a bathroom with my brother's kids. Learn how your comment data is processed. Aggressive manipulation tends to involve more obvious attempts to control your behavior, including: shaming or mocking you. I cant stand the woman. Ultimately, the disastrous duo dynamic is the result of emotional immaturity in both partners, and to just blame men for it suggests to me that youve got some healing to do too. My mom and my sisters are this way, and Ive tried to talk to them about things and they turn everything on me. I believe that the devouring mother and weak father are one symptom of that root problem, but there are other symptoms as well, such as high rates of divorce, pornography, single-mothers, narcissism, and more. It is a nightmare for a boy to grow in that environment. You dont stand up to a difficult wife by returning their verbal fire with equal ferocity, you do it by regulating your own emotions first, staying calm, co-regulating hers, setting strong boundaries with her and working together to resolve the conflict amicably. My younger brother is just so violent. Ive also found it hard to find people who can really empathise with the overwhelming feelings I experienced after growing up around my emotionally stunted parents. Wait for the young man to initiate his next m. Ouch, that sounds pretty sucky Jacob. Cheers, Graham. I think we will pay a heavy price for our arrogance, and that more people will suffer. My dad would have home from work, lay on his bed and scroll through his phone, even on his days off does the same thing, while my mum is taking control of the whole family whiles doing the domestic chores, I picked up on the same traits and it has massively affected my confidence, I dont feel ready for the real world because I lack the basic survival skills to live, when I was young I thought he was being nice and quiet but I later grew up to resent him, I wish he was a lot tougher, now Im self aware I will try and get some mentorship. FYI. I felt very alone. My two elder sisters both dealt with this in their own way, leaving me feeling excluded and abandoned a lot of the time. 2. God: I will take VENGEANCE on MY ENEMIES and will REPAY those who hate me. (Torah, Deuteronomy 32:41-42) I grew up in such a home, with a devouring, controlling, abusive mother, and a weak, passive father. I would always call BS on her lies, nasty behavior, and manipulations, even more so as an adult when she lost all control over me. All my life I was wondering why I am so anxious and insecure all the time. Relationships are hard for me. Cheers, Graham. It sounds like youve picked up some unconscious programming from being around your fathers behaviour and the women youre attracting are playing into that. Its sad that he never had a strong father to teach him how to be a good man. I too have a brother who while growing up was always in trouble. Women want equality not protection. I have been the one to throw the football, teach how to use tools and power equipment, how to paint, wax a car, fix leaky faucets, hang a light fixture etc. I had to understand that my father will never be like this. We start out in life by inheriting the confidence of our parents, plus or minus a little depending on our personality and individual disposition. While this is a trendy point of view these days, it is contradictory to our evolutionary biology. (My dad works away a lot so hes not home all that much.) A mutually supportive community where deeply emotional things you can't tell people you know can be told. Archived post. Narcissism is a spectrum disorder, with the most severe end of the spectrum considered as narcissistic personality disorder. original sound - Jiungs fav choco chip . Okay fine, we try to ignore it. These men and women often do not understand their own drives and motivations. I may be wrong, but I think that is a strong possibility. Avoiding and Neglecting Your Child Neglecting your child physically or emotionally can affect him or her in an extremely negative way. Either way you get your name in lights as a subject matter expert, along with more traffic, business and/or, Do You Have A Product For Men That I Can Help You Promote? You should seek advice from appropriate mental health professionals if you think you may have, or may be developing, any kind of mental illness or emotional problems. Its awesome that youve recognised the problem at such a young age whereas many men never even spot it. I also hear all the fear that your mother has bred into you, which comes up when youre meeting women. Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC is a licensed psychotherapist and former educator specializing in working with families in transition (often due to separation or divorce) as well as individuals. I dont even miss her. original sound - Reddit Raves. Ah the martyr/victim complex. He took after our mother as he was her golden child. Why does My Husband Defends His Mother Over Me? (Solved) This site is not a substitute for professional psychological, psychiatric, counselling or other mental health services. All my life, my mother favored my brother over me. How should I deal Its as if im not good enough as a daughter, i had to go as far as look after a 1 year-old (my sister) when i was only 12, and my mum would always compare and complain. She has never put herself first and now that she is retired and can finally do the stuff she wants, my brother is basically . I dont buy they idea that parents always operate out of pure love and care; they are human after all, and have their own needs which will sometimes conflict with the best interests of the child. Whats your next step in reclaiming your masculinity and building some real confidence in yourself? Odd girl out. "Shunning is cruel, unnecessary and pointless . And these arent my fucking kids!!! My brother actually came out okay. You must have an affiliate program that I can join in order for me to promote your product. While it has been sometimes painful, my son has managed to push me away, in a healthy way, and find his way to manhood! Cheers, Graham. 82 Likes, TikTok video from Jade Alvarez (@la_diabla0012): "They dont understand the basics of genetics. Respect the child's need for privacy. A controlling woman is subconsciously testing a man by trying to control him; and every time he collapses and submits to her dominance, he fails the test thus perpetuating her anxiety. The more he steps up, the more able she is to relax. Thanks for your feedback. You cant expect him to traumatise me and for me to put up with it and respect him. Me and my brother often blame our dad for being so feminine and stay-at-home type guy and not the guy we like him to be as a male role model. Breathe in for at least four beats and out for as long as you can. I often feel like running away somewhere to a foreign country and do all i want to do and never return home to see my parents, relatives, friends, etc ever again. Jesus: JUDGE NOT, that you be not judged. (Matthew 7:1) should we all be hypocrites then? I believe anxiety is about safety, and ultimately shes looking to get her own safety needs. Their dynamic when they were married was toxic and similar to what you describe. But an innate sense of self-confidence will make it much easier for you to learn to play a guitar, because youll feel more positive about the likelihood of success and less worried about failure. Shell end up in too much conflict with overly dominating guys, while guys with good self esteem will walk away from a controlling woman if she doesnt grow out of it quickly. I took my mom aside and tried to talk some sense . All rights reserved. To be fair, my father had some good qualities. These days she occasionally asks me (jokes) to get a girlfriend and i cant even reply back to her and just go away from her as i dont know how to ask her to be serious about some things. Shes clearly getting some benefit from it, most likely that she gets to be in control, which merely perpetuates the problem. My mother has no boundaries, thinks she know everything when in fact she a functional illiterate with little knowledge feeding on control and conflict. I vacuum, I sweep, mop, take out the garbage, do the dishes, clean the bathroom, clean the litter box, wash the counters, fridge, table, break down the cardboard, do the recycling. So controlling women tend to end up left with passive men who are willing to be pushed around because they dont know how to stand up for themselves. Scan this QR code to download the app now. He had lost a great deal of money in investments which my mom had pointed out several times with great anger and frustration. God is not Christianity, god is not Judaism, nor Islam. Women have come a long way since medieval times. I tried to intervene, but it didn't help anything. I have so much more responsibility than my brothers and I cant take it anymore. Descubra vdeos populares sobre mom always defends my brother - TikTok It seems counter-intuitive, but the way to calm a controlling person is the assert yourself and do what feels right rather than what they may appear to be demanding. Shes been very successful at it with her own husband (my biological dad, also derided by me and my sister as his Majestys servant), and Im next in line, expected to follow orders and see and experience the world exactly the way she does. I relate to what you say about weak men and Christianity; If only we were taught to believe in ourselves rather than in a God that doesnt exist and a saviour we dont need in an fictional after-life. Encourage and support independence. 2 days of "and the lord heard me - i have my answers" || nsppd || 6th july 2023 I ask as I feel I am dealing with a few people in my life like this. I believe that by abandoning the long-lasting traditional roles of men and women in our society, we brought upon ourselves chaos, that destroys families. Jesus: LOVE your enemies (Matthew 5:44) Im a woman who grew up with this dynamic. Like last night, my and another brother of mine (B) were sitting on the couch next to each other and awful brother (AB) decided to go right on top of our legs. Im wondering what your personal experience of this has been Lydia? The moment i say something back-is when everything is suddenly my fault as if my brother didnt start it. My masculinity was choking very hard. Or would the other scenario of him showing strength saying enough is enough and walking out, with all the trauma of divorce etc, have been better? I do believe we can truly change inside by not putting women on a pedestal, changing our thinking so we become the prize, changing our behaviour to match, not putting up with bullshit behaviour, and learning to manage our own internal anxiety when we violate the rules our parents taught us when we were young. If thats true it would be so ironic that emperor Titus and co created this new religion as Rome often created new religions so it was practiced, and they created it to pacify and convert the judean nationalist zealots who made a lot of trouble for a long while, so it is ironic when us folk in 2019 fall for the retrojected prophecies and subscribe to the maxims of turn the other cheek, go the extra mile and store up treasures in heaven. 2. Ironically you started with what I assume is disgust for weak men who would be incapable of protecting a woman, and ended up saying that women want equality not protection. I think youve nailed the answer to your own question there. Ill add, that in my opinion, this problem, of a devouring mother weak father, is spreading in our society like cancer, destroying families and the fabric of society itself, for several generations now, and if I have to pin point when it all started, it would be two major events that happened during the 19th and 20th centuries: Also God: When you go to WAR against YOUR ENEMIES and God delivers them into your hands (Torah, Deuteronomy 21:10) It destroys your confidence and social skills, and your ability to maintain healthy relationships. Required fields are marked *. One of the unfortunate realities of life is that controlling women tend to attract passive men. This applies to my super weak father and my Iate mother, who took her own life. Confident, powerful men dont put up with this sort of behaviour: they assert themselves and if necessary walk away knowing that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. They even get a discount of 10% because of where they work that I cant use. God is what we see as divine, above us, to remember we are not Gods, and know very little, and be humble, and maybe that will encourage us all to respect each other better. She thinks i would become a bad boy if left alone. My mom tried everything for him. Adios. In return for contributing, you get the kudos of seeing your name in print and a valuable dofollow back link to your website in your Bio, which is good for your search engine ranking. She surely has anxiety. He's been in and out of trouble with police and school since he was a teenager. Family Manipulation: Signs, Tactics, and How to Respond - Healthline 86 Likes, TikTok video from (@youd0ntknowme8): "Being the first child is not easy #fyp". "If I did something that I thought would make her proud, she would either dismiss it as insignificant or undercut it in some other way.. Do You Feel Guilty About Being Angry With Your Parents? I accept no responsibility for any situations or circumstances arising from the use of this information. My mom took on all the responsibility of parenting my two sisters and I while my dad shrunk into the background of our lives. Possessed by the devil, is what different priests named my wife who followed into the footsteps of her dominant mother and her weak father. Maternal Narcissism Survey: Is This Your Mom? - Psychology Today But we have our own lives now. If your mom is gaslighting you, "you may find that you just don't seem as happy or fulfilled as your peers," Sarkis says. I had my entire first 17 years of my life planned out by a father who wanted to relive his life through his son. Im uncomfortable with the picture that you paint of a controlling mother being some kind of pure, innocent, powerless victim of her circumstances. Sonnyboy starts to hate her as he interprets her double role as controlling no matter how understandable, what choice does a mother have? ), and when his given things or praiserejects it. Almost all of my friends and colleagues in my age group are married with kids or at least have girlfriends. Click here to get it. My sensitivity in this situation was always invalidated, caused me a great deal of grief and felt like a genuine weakness. #1 He is a Pathological Liar He doesn't know what the word 'truth' means; your brother tells so many lies, you've lost count. However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. How to help my boyfriend to break free from his overprotective - Quora I think often this dynamic plays out uncosciously. Cheers, Graham. For me, the solution is meaningful connection with other people, not with an imaginary creator or his son. They're my parents and my siblings! All. When you pull the creator out of the picture it becomes a mess, but you also need to get in touch with how the creator meant it to be without twisting it for your own selfish purposes. Sorry, this post was deleted by the person who originally posted it. For more information, please see our I think theres something in what you say. It wasnt a relationship that I thought was worth working on. I hear where youre coming from as far as ignoring the wisdom of our ancestors Max. Im the middle child and Im 22. I knew immediately that I was Read more, It seems like every day Im coming across articles and interviews in the media on so-called toxic masculinity written and organised by man-hating post-feminists with an obvious personal agenda of beating up on men. If you go to their home youre more trapped, if at yours you cant kick them out if they start crap. If she is unfaithful, doesnt put effort in, etc, it must just be because Im not good enough. It is the single most important asset that a man can possess, because it determines how you respond to challenges that impact how well everything else in your life goes. Finding a mentor to fill in the gaps that our dad didnt is a great idea. This combination is hard on girls too. Controlling mothers tend to attract passive fathers. Talk To A Marriage and Family Therapy Expert Online. You may also print or e-mail content to other people for personal use, provided the content involved is no more than 10% of the total content of the site, credit is given to The Confident Man Project, and a link to ConfidentMan.net is retained on the printed copy, or in the e-mail. Ha! In a way its not that different: shes afraid of getting hurt either physically or emotionally by his inability to stand up for himself and whats important to him so she ends up taking control and he becomes even more passive, thus the vicious cycle. In Genesis, God puts the woman under the authority of the man. The external world is a reflection of whats going on inside your subconscious. What to Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family over You? So yeah, up to you, but people who have abused you in the past will often try being nice to lure you back into the cycle of abuse. My mom always defends my oldest brother. They are highly manipulative by nature, and use their fake niceness to build a system of social support in order to make their phony criticisms of their partner appear to be true, while they skate away smelling like a rose. I have always noticed it was unfair and was confused by it. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. B tells him to just get off of us, AB just starts screaming his head off and punching B. The Disastrous Duo: Controlling Mother, Passive Father A woman can have several narcissistic traits and not fit the personality. Wondering What To Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You? Of course this has led to me being used then dumped by the few girls Ive been with and I desperately want to change. By posting or making submissions, you agree to allow the information submitted by you to be used in whatever form I choose, including re-posting on this site, or publication elsewhere. So it will mostly fall to me. How unfair. Any forum submissions become the property of Graham Stoney, and also may not be reproduced without my permission. Cheers, Graham. Cookie Notice 45 Likes, TikTok video from Liyah (@your.girl_liyah.sh): "I worry about him a lot #brother #fyp #angerissues #understand #love". I dont hate Christianity or religion but I study it critically and Im reading Caesars Messiah now. If you have an affiliate program, I will join it and use my affiliate link in your Bio. Cheers, Graham. He deserved her. Basically anything that helps make a man more confident, competent and effective in the world. Since then my dad has been extremely passive and totally accepting to be enslaved by my mom. Read about narcissism and flying monkeys, love bombing, hoovering all pretty common traits and techniques with argumentative abusive people. Its taught me that if you want to use tough love at some stage on your children, you have to have built up an emotional bank account first using encouragement, praise and reward. Pay attention, I dont believe in the Bible, and Im not religious, but I trust the ancient wisdom of the Hebrews (not the Jews, which is a later form of these people), and I read the Hebrew Torah (the first five books in your Bible). This made it impossible to even naturally look at girls in our late teens and throughout our 20s, when parents are around. In my experience, the first step is to overcoming perfectionism is to recognize that it stems from our family programming; and may in fact go back several generations. If he ever shows the slightest sign of being unhappy around her she loses it on him and manipulates, gaslights etc. I love them, but should I just keep my distance? I just dont understand it. My father is dead, but when he was alive he was so messed up that he sided with her and defended her. Instead he would take his frustrations out on me. BUT Jesus contradicts God in the Bible, many times, their teachings contradict each other. Whenever travelling with her to some place, mom always had her eyes on our eyes and controlled whom we were looking at. But I also feel your father, who you indicate was a good provider working hard for the family for 35 years was in a difficult position, (probably faced by a lot of fathers with difficult wives, who are in reality strong, but choose to not show that strength to try to minimise family trauma.) Men like him could try standing up to their wives by returning their verbal fire with equal ferocity, but would that showing of strength , with the likely long term situation of rows interspersed with simmering resentment, have made the family, including you, happier? As a child I could never understand why my narcissistic mother seemed so nice to people outside the family, but could be so callous behind closed doors at home. Why can't I fight back my brother even though I want to? Why - Quora Read up on negotiation skills and develop skills in negotiating rather than simply demanding your way . It was a social construct that the man is, and should be, in charge of his family, and that the wife is and should be obedient.
